By Susan Hea Jin Ko, LMFT
The family group chat is already asking who’s bringing what. You’re trying to figure out whether dinner at four means you’ll spend the whole meal feeding the baby in someone’s guest room. Then someone says, “We’re so excited to pass the baby around,” and you realize you have a different picture of the day.
You might be looking forward to your baby’s first Thanksgiving. Maybe there’s a photo you really want, or a grandparent you can’t wait for them to meet. You might also be tired before the day has even happened. The holiday can feel especially hard when everyone is excited about seeing the baby and nobody has asked how you’re doing.
Plan for the day you can actually manage
Before you say yes, picture the visit from start to finish. Who packs the bag? How long is the drive? If you need a quiet place to feed the baby, is there one? And when you get home, who handles the unpacking and bedtime?
You might realize you want to go to dinner, but you don’t want to make a second stop. Or you’d love to host next year, when the thought of cleaning your kitchen afterward doesn’t make you want to cry.
Try picking one thing you’d be glad you did and one thing you’d be relieved to skip. You could go for pie, take the photo you wanted, and head home. If that sounds like a holiday you could actually enjoy, it’s a reasonable plan.
Say the awkward thing before you get there
You might be hoping your family will notice you’re uncomfortable and give you a little room. Sometimes they will. Sometimes the room is loud, everyone is excited, and nobody sees you standing there trying to work up the nerve to ask for your baby back.
Having a few words ready can help:
When you want your baby back: “I’m going to take her now. Thanks for holding her.”
When someone comments on feeding or sleep: “We’ve found something that’s working for us. How have you been?”
When relatives want you to stay longer: “We’re heading out after dinner. I’m glad we got to come.”
If you’re going with a partner or another person you trust, decide ahead of time what you’d like them to handle. “Can you tell your family when we’re leaving?” gives them something specific to do and takes one conversation off your plate.
Ask for help that actually gives you a break
Sometimes a relative says, “Let me hold the baby so you can help in the kitchen.” You may have been looking forward to sitting down with a warm plate of food. It’s okay to say that.
“Could you make me a plate and bring it over? I haven’t had a chance to eat yet.”
You can ask someone to refill your water, bring your things to the car, or run interference when the conversation turns to your body, your feeding choices, or when you’re having another baby. And if what you really want is ten minutes alone while someone you trust holds the baby, you can ask for that, too.
Leave a little room for how you feel afterward
Maybe the visit went well and you still cried in the car. It can be lonely to spend an afternoon surrounded by people and realize you didn’t have one conversation where you got to finish a sentence. You might miss the ease of sitting at the table last year. Or you might have had a lovely time and still need a quiet morning the next day.
Before you decide that you were too sensitive or should’ve tried harder, ask yourself: What was the hardest part of the day for me? Your answer might be something small and specific, like “I never got to eat with everyone.” That tells you more about what you need next time than grading yourself on whether you seemed grateful enough.
If the worry, sadness, or irritability keeps following you into ordinary days, or makes it hard to rest when you have the chance, consider talking with your healthcare provider or a therapist. You can also read Postpartum Anxiety When You Look Like You’re Doing Fine if people keep telling you how well you’re doing and you wish someone would ask how it feels.
At Grow & Grace Therapy, I offer online postpartum therapy in California, Colorado, and Florida. If you’d like to talk through what’s felt harder since becoming a parent, you’re welcome to book a free 15-minute phone consultation. You can start with one moment you keep thinking about.
Further reading: National Institute of Mental Health: Perinatal Depression.